Silence Before the Storm

Sorry for the long silence. My life has been moving along. I am now on antibiotics for an ear and sinus infection. YUCK! People are looking at our house and want to move in the beginning of June. Brian is still going through interviews. Hannah is loving school. Carter has become a true little boy... loud and dirty all the time. Sarah Jane just took a fall and split open her lip and scraped her nose.

Anyway here goes another post:
Have you ever had to wait? Of course you have... it could be a streetlight, the line at Starbucks, an oil change, a haircut, a fast food restaurant, a baby, a wedding, your calling in life ; I know you can fill in the blank. Is there anything more draining then waiting? As I opened my devotions this week I was struck by the thought of what I am waiting for... am I waiting on the event or the Lord? I started to ponder this thought over my morning tea. I pulled out my journal with its worn binding and tattered pages. It is amazing how clear the Lord's direction is when you look backwards. Needless to say I am waiting on the Lord.

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

You would think that I have it all figured out by this point, but really I feel more lost and confused then yesterday . I feel like I go through everyday just wandering. I continue to grow and be convicted daily, but the power and voice of the Lord seem to be silent. It is like someone has pushed the mute button. Have you ever watched the TV with no sound? It can be interesting to watch the people and try to figure out what is going on by the actions and facial expressions. It is fun, but can also be very confusing. That is where I am sitting... on my knees totally confused with what the Lord is saying or doing. What am I supposed to do right now? If you know the answer. Please leave a comment. Do you think that God has a Google account? Actually this week I totally hit rock bottom. It is such a difficult time in my life, but at the same time it is the most difficult and trying time for Brian. So when you put two people together that feel like they have lost all sense of security, direction, and purpose.... well you can imagine. So we have really started to struggle with each other. A lot of finger pointing at our house. Anyway I was feeling like I was working double time and really trying to make our house what Brian wanted. I felt so proud of myself for getting so much done and then Brian says the words that just knock me to the floor, " maybe if you weren't so lazy..." I felt so empty, hurt and weak that I just locked myself in the bathroom fell to the floor, put my face in my hands and began to weep and cry out, "Lord, I do not have the strength. I can't do this. I can't go on one more day." I felt like I didn't even have the strength to pick up my crying baby who had bumped her head on the door knob. As a mom you never get to say "TIME OUT"! Actually I use this phrase a lot but for other reasons. I just wanted to freeze a moment of silence where I could just cry, scream and kick my feet. However mommy duty calls. So I wipe the tears and snot from my face and pick up the pieces. Shortly after Brian called to apologize. He too dislikes the times we are at odds with one another. No one likes to say hurtful words and cause pain to those they love. We both just want peace and direction, but we both can convince ourselves that it must be the other that is holding us back or causing the problem. Moreover, we had a great conversation and were able to really set some guidelines for our house. Looking back I just want to laugh that it has taken us 8 months to figure out how to co-exist in the house together 24/7. It is amazing that after 5 years of marriage we are still learning how to live together.

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! Isaiah 30:18

So I am back to waiting. I feel like we are coming to the end and our direction might be around the next corner, but you never know. As the title states I feel like my life is on silent but as soon as the Lord gives direction I feel like it is going to speed up rather quickly like a storm. I still can't believe we are going to be meeting our new little baby soon. Time flys!!

For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger,WAIT FOR IT it will certainly come and will not delay. Habakkuk 2:3



I will leave you with another funny story from Hannah:

As I was sitting here typing she walked in and asked where daddy was. I told her he went to the car doctor because the blue car needed a check up and an oil change. She smiled and said, "Momma maybe if they paint the car red and put red wheels on it will be as fast as Lighting McQueen." If only life were really this simple.

no bedtime

Tonight I just had to write. I am just feeling so happy and so blessed. I got a great night of sleep last night!! Then I got out of bed and started my day. It was a bit of a difficult morning. I have a dear friend who is going through some difficult times and I so badly want to have words. Do you ever sit there and think "I have NO idea" you don't even know if you should nod your head or just cry with them. I spent most of the morning just praying about the situation and I am asking for you to do the same. There are so many women out there that are having a tough day and most of the time we don't even have a clue.

When I arrived home this afternoon I was greeted by little Miss Hannah Grace who had "been sleeping for a hundred hours and really wanted to cuddle with Momma on the couch." Could you say no to a request like this? So I enjoyed some girl time. I cannot believe how fast they grow! I just hope that it is always cool to cuddle with Mom and watch a girly movie. While I am thinking about Hannah I have to share the comment she made the other day. I picked her up from school on Monday and she as usual she was talking a mile a minute. She was telling me that everyone thought her outfit was so cute. One of the boys in the class brought a snack and she liked it. Then she was just on fire for the Lord. She had so many things to tell me about Jesus and how he died for us and that is why we need to say "Happy Resurrection Day!" to everyone. Before I knew it she had moved to the topic of Heaven, "Momma, do you know what the BEST part of going to heaven is?" I had no time to respond she had already moved on to the answer, "You get to stay awake ALL the time. You never nap and no one has a bedtime." Alright that is great... not really I quickly thought to myself "Lord you had better change my heart before I get there because I was really hoping for an uninterupted night of sleep." I just love listening to them talk.

Tonight we had Awana Club and it was great! Carter is always a little stinker about drop off, but he has a blast and wants to spend the rest of the night in his Puggles shirt. After the kiddos went to bed Brian and I watch a movie. It was one of those nights where I found myself looking at him and thinking I love you more today then ever before. It really wasn't anything special. We were just sitting on the couch being silly and eating BBQ chips- a must have for the cravings this week. Anyway I decided I should write this down because you never know what tomorrow will unfold . Right? I am so grateful to have such a supportive and loving husband that provides BBQ chips whenever I need them.

I hope that you have a blessed night. As I sneak off to get another restful (I hope) night of sleep... I want to challenge you to find something small that you are so grateful for, that you can't help but smile when you think about it. I would love it if you would share!!

a fast 2 days

Over the past two days I have been on a crazy emotional and physical roller coaster ride. So I must share that I am so exhausted my face may hit the keyboard at any moment. As I shared in my last post it started with huge PRAISES!! Right after the ultrasound we headed out for the homicide trial. We dropped the kids off with a friend. The kids were so happy they asked when we were leaving for the hotel. Where is the love?! We have been so blessed with some awesome friends! Next, my wonderful husband surprised me with a stay at a bed and breakfast. It was so perfect! We even got to pick the room we wanted to stay in. After unloading our stuff we went out to a nice dinner and I was able to talk through all the information I would been questioned on tomorrow. We did find some time to remember the last 5 years of our marriage too. It was so amazing to have so time away from the kiddos. We went back to the bed and breakfast and enjoyed a night by our little flickering fire place. It is sorta funny to think that the courts paid for our anniversary celebration. That night I didn't sleep a wink. I remember looking at the clock at 1:21A and closing my eyes and thinking that I had at least slept an hour or so. As I opened one eye to glance at the clock it read, 1:24A. I wanted to scream. I was feeling anxious, Brian was snoring (which he never does but his allergies were horrible and we didn't have his medication.), I could hear noises in our room, the sheets just didn't smell like home, and I just had a lot on my mind. So I spent a good part of the night just praying, thinking about sleeping in the bath tub (which would eliminate the snoring), and just watching the clock. I felt like I was watching a pot of water boil. It just would not start moving. I even got out of bed to get my mobile phone and make sure the hotel clock was working. So finally at 4:30A I decided to get up and start my day. 7A we went down to a table set for 2 and our breakfast fresh on the table. I was in heaven... I cannot remember the last time I ate a hot breakfast. Our drive to the courthouse was interesting as it was snowing and the traffic was horrendous. We arrived and I felt my stomach turn. First, I met with the attorneys to go over some questions. I just felt like my heart was racing... what were they going to ask me? What was I going to say? What was the courtroom going environment going to be like? Before I knew it I was outside the courtroom on a hard wooden bench. My butt kept falling asleep... it was not an ideal waiting area. So as I waited I pulled out... GUESS... Beth Moore. As usual it started to speak... "We tend to detach from sights and situations that make us feel badly about ourselves - especially when we feel powerless." This quote just captured my emotions as I sat clutching my study book with sweaty hands. I felt like I just wanted to run out of the court house and never think about it again. Then, I realized that I didn't sign up to live an easy life... I decided I wanted a purposeful one instead. I knew what I knew and no one could change that. I prayed for confidence and the words I needed. Thank you to all of you who were also praying!!! Our prayers were answered. I was the second witness to be called. I felt so nervous and uncomfortable I felt like I wanted to start giggling. Have you ever been in the most serious, scary place and all you felt like doing is belting out into a belly laugh? Thank God I did not laugh or even smile for that matter. The questioning went well... the defense was really tough on me, but I took it slow. I felt as if the entire courtroom could hear my knees as they were knocking behind the witness stand. It is an overwhelming experience. I was on the stand for about 30 minutes and was free to leave after I finished. As I walked out of that courtroom I felt like I just wanted to shake like a wet dog and let my stress just float off my shoulders. God has answered so many prayers... the baby, my testifying is over, and next Brian got an email about a possible job.


So afterward we went to pick up our kiddos and drive home. It was a REALLY long drive. The kids were screaming or as I like to refer to it as singing loudly. I just wanted to get home and crawl into bed!! I finally got the kids to bed, but I just had to share a little something before my head hit my pillow for eternity or so I am dreaming. Thank you again to all of you that have been praying for me!!

news from the road

This will be a short post as I am typing on the tiny keys of the blackberry as we race down the turnpike. This morning we had a huge answer to prayer, glory be to God! I went for my ultrasound this morning with Brian. I felt so anxious I just wanted to burst out and ask if the placenta had moved. Although I was able to keep quiet and after watching the baby sucking its fingers I had totally forgotten until the doctor said, "the placenta previa was gone. The placenta had totally moved." At that point I wanted to say told you so, as this was the doctor that told me that it wasn't going anywhere. However, God had already worked on that relationship. As this doctor walked in I took a deep breath and decided to start fresh and start a conversation. It was awesome because the doctor was actually pleasant this time. The baby, who I like to call hiccup, is doing great! Praise God.

On another note please be in prayer for me tomorrow as I go to testify in the homicide case. I feel confident in my statement but very nervous to face the defendant.

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will. Ephesians 1:11

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:13

Control Freak?

Do you ever feel like you are trying to guess what the Lord is working in your life? This has been a very difficult weekend for me. On Friday I woke up with a horrible migraine, but I went forward with my morning and had a great time at MOPS. When I got home I started to listen to the Beth Moore Audio for the Esther study. During the lesson she was telling a story about a woman that lost 2 of her children and she shared how the woman just cried out "why Lord, why? This is too much. too much. too much." I couldn't help but start crying myself and feeling the same way about my life right now. I have so much to be grateful for: 3 healthy kids, an amazing husband, rent this month, grocery money (thanks to everyone who helped out on this one), the greatest friends and the list goes on. But at the same moment, I am saying "this is TOO MUCH Lord!" Without the Lord holding me up and giving me every last breath I feel like I will fall to the ground. I have to add that I just love Beth Moore as I can go from sobbing to laughing my head off. Later in the session Beth quoted another woman saying" It is tough being a woman because of the hormones. You yell at those you love and cry for a stranger in a commercial." Moreover, after finishing a few hours with Beth Moore I tried the whole getting down on my knees thing again. I must admit that it was just as emotional as the first time. tears. snot. and all the beauty that goes along with pouring your guts out. It is at that moment that you feel the snot pouring over your lips that you think, please don't let anyone see me or ring the door bell. As I lay with my head over my lap I cried out for the Lord to answer my prayers and give us direction by the end of the day... nothing like giving God a deadline. I did also pray that if it wasn't his will I would settle for comfort and strength instead. Is anyone else laughing... I have decided that I will come up with my own negotiations with the Lord. I have to admit that I'm desperate for the Lord to give me that clear direction. I also continue to pray that He will make clear if I should move forward with my ultra sound on Monday.

So now it is Saturday night and I have received so many notes asking what is going on... any news? I feel like I don't even have the strength to reply. I just want to say No it was another day of rejection and mystery. So no at the end of the day I no clear direction for our future, BUT because of all the unknown direction I feel the Lord saying, "Nancy, put your trust in Me and I will provide for the ultra sound. Stop trying to make your own plans." Has anyone noticed that I'm a control freak yet? I like my shirts to be folded just so, I want the dishes in the dish washer to go in size order, and I like to plan ahead. Although I don't think I did much planning when it came to family size. Whoops. Missed that one. I have handed over my life and I have that comfort and strength, but it is really easy for Satan to sneak in and grab hold as I'm going through the bills. I sit here and think... there is NO WAY to pay all the bills... we are going to be evicted and bankrupt by the end of the month. STOP! That is Satan trying to crack into the thoughts in my head once again. Some how God has provide every month and I am still at awe wondering how this all worked out this far?!

So I am totally exhausted as I sit here my eyes are starting to close and my head is starting the nod. So I am sad to say I need to go to bed, but I just had to write and let you know that I am still here and kicking... just NO STINKING NEWS! Maybe tomorrow!

Colossians 1:10-12

¹⁰And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, ¹¹being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully ¹²giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

singing praises through the chaos

I missed you. It has been another challenging week and I think it is only Tuesday. Yikes. We had a wonderful weekend filled with friends and food. Well almost a wonderful weekend, Sarah Jane has not been feeling very well. She is napping a lot and eating very little.

So Monday rolled in rather freezing for Spring. I heard it actually snowed in Pittsburgh. Don't get me wrong I love the snow just not in the springtime. Moreover, I took Hannah Grace to school as usual. On my drive back to the house I decided to get on the phone with the health insurance company because the medical bills I had received were well over the deductible I had agreed to pay. I am sort of amazed that I was able to reach that deductible within one month. I guess that is what can happen when you have pregnancy complications. So I finally get a person after 20 minutes of that automatic voice saying, "did you say.....". I felt like slamming the phone off the dash board and yelling, "NO! I did not say that and I would just really really like to talk to a PERSON that might have a little compassion." So I finally get a very friendly woman on the other line that can only talk to me about my current plan. I shared in an earlier post that the our previous employer had kept us on the group insurance (we still paid for it, but it was nice to have a little time to figure out what next). So when we applied for this conversion plan with the same health care provider they started us on the day after the plan was canceled. The woman very sweetly answered my question and told me that my deductible was to start over as of February 24th. I thanked her and then got off the phone. I then called the number for the group insurance company that we had with our previous employer . While I was on hold, getting disconnected and starting to feel a little discouraged I decided I would call the doctors office to see why I had received one of the bills. The nurse was so polite as she shared that the claims were denied because we were not covered. WHAT?! So now I am a little more eager to get on the phone with this group insurance company. Again I went though all the automated people, getting connected to a busy line and being disconnected. Now, I don't have time I have to drop Brian off at the train so he can go into Harrisburg for a meeting. (Remember we only have one car and I need to pick up Hannah.) We drop him off and I get on the phone again while driving with screaming children in the car. Why is it that they never scream when I am singing along with the radio, but the moment they see or even think they see that phone it starts. FINALLY I get a representative on the phone that shares that we were covered on the group insurance until February 24th, but the employer called and canceled the plan making it retro active to the 1st of February. So I couldn't start my new plan earlier because it was in the system that we had insurance until the 24th, but really we didn't. So after a long talk and being put on hold many times we finally come to a solution and now I just have to call in all the claims in February. Praise God that we were covered! Although now I have to pay for the health insurance and the 2 years of deductibles in 2 months. Needless to say I need some time to let this information soak in.

I did pick up Hannah and ran into a great friend who I will mention later. We ran home (actually I drove) ate lunch, Sarah Jane got a short nap, my friend that I mentioned above showed up at my house with her van and dropped it off because she insisted I have a vehicle while Brian is out-of-town with our only vehicle at the moment. God has blessed me with some truly wonderful friends. Without even having time to breath, let alone think about how wonderful it would be to have a vehicle, I ran back out the door with the kiddos to pick up Brian at the train. Did I mention that I was supposed to do my Bible Study this morning? So I picked Brian up with just enough time to drive him home and drop him off with Hannah and Carter. Off I hurried to the doctor. They wanted to see Sarah Jane with all that she had going on. So I rush in the door to find that the doctor is running 40 minutes behind. So I just gave that anxiety over to the Lord and started to wait. Sarah Jane got a clean bill of health. They think maybe it is something viral. I got home brushed my hair, stroked my eye lashes with some mascara and jumped in the car with a girlfriend that wanted to take me out to dinner. Amen. We had a great night. I got home around 9P and decided I had put the Bible study off long enough. I started with Day One and was so pumped I breezed through the week. I will have to write another post on all that I am learning and gaining through my study of the Scriptures.

At 5:30A this morning I woke up to the sweet sound of Sarah Jane giggling in her crib . Occasionally I would hear a Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Daddy, but she was so happy I let her play and started to talk to Brian about all the amazing things I had learned last night. It was such a GREAT morning. All besides Sarah Jane cleaning the toilet and her teeth with the electric tooth brushes. Brian left for his trip and I left to run errands to get ready for MOPS on Thursday. Praise the Lord for the van! I must admit with all the bells and whistles on this van I may never want to return it. I think it does everything besides buckle in Sarah Jane. I feel so blessed.

Then, I get home to find friends have stopped by to bring food and stuff. In the one box I got a roll of paper towels. I looked at them like I would a box from Tiffany & Co. So eager to open it!! We haven't had a roll of paper towels for a few weeks and I never realized how truly wonderful they are to have around. While I am talking about this I just need to send out a HUGE thanks to everyone that has helped our family in this time. Brian and I actually weep the other day because we were just so overwhelmed at the generosity of the people in our lives. Thank You! I just hope that someday we are able to give back twice as much. Thank you. Thank you. I don't feel like I can ever express how much all this means to me.

help me up

Do you ever feel like the same thing just keeps coming to your attention? Sometimes I am even watching television and the same commercial keeps coming on. I have actually asked myself this question, "Do I have restless leg syndrome?" Let's be honest I know that most of you have pondered this one?! So anyway the Lord did it again... this time I have read in 3 of my four devotions and read a blog telling me and I got a phone call from a dear friend and mentor that suggest I try this. So YES I got the message loud and clear!!


It is now Tuesday (I think I started writing this post on Friday) and I am embarrassed to admit it has taken me this long to actually get down on my knees with my head on the floor and pray. At first it was just the excuses like the fact that I was too busy for actually kneeling without distraction. Then I started to think... what should I be praying about on my knees. I pondered this for a few more days. So last night I prayed, the way I usually do at night with my head on the pillow just talking to the Lord. "Lord, what in the world do you want me to get down and pray about? I've already put it all out on the table. So please put it on my heart that one thing or maybe two that I need to focus on."

So I had a restless night and when I awoke this morning I knew that it was my baby. I needed to get down and pray for the health of this baby growing inside my womb. I needed to pray for the Lord to pull the placenta away from the cervix so the baby was safe and so was I. Then, just this morning He put Brian on my heart. He is away traveling and I know that his heart is heavy right now. Brian is a strong man and knows that the Lord has a glorious plan for our lives, but sometimes it is just so hard to see when you are in the thick of it. After running like a mad women this morning I put the kids down for a nap.

Alright I'm ready! I got down on my knees and before I even started to pray the tears were streaming down my face dripping on my clenched hands. I felt like a child that longed so desperately for their mother's lap. I began to pray with conviction and desperation all at the same moment. I felt like I was suddenly all alone it was just my words echoing in a tunnel. It was truly a moment of awe. I stood up after just spilling my guts out to the Lord and I actually felt like the burden had been lifted form my shoulders.

All I can say is you have to try it! It is the most peaceful and memorable moment I've had during this rocky, confusing, frustrating, and hectic trial.

Shampoo

Today was an amazing day. Not to mention that the sun was shining so bright I had to dig out my sunglasses. I need to be a better planner. I usually drive around a turn or a bend in the road and suddenly I am blinded by the sun. I start swerving all over while I am squinting my eyes trying to see the road as I am madly searching the car, my purse, the kids for my sunglasses. This morning Brian took Hannah and Carter to school so I took advantage of my quiet morning and decided to spend the time with Beth Moore. Have you ever picked up a book or read a scripture in the Bible and felt like it was written for you. Sometimes I have even read the book or that verse a hundred times and I think why didn't I see it before? Well as I sat down on the couch this morning with the sun shining though the window beside me and my glass of water sparkling on the side table I flipped open my study book and Beth started talking to ME:

"When was the last time it was your turn? You know the feeling I'm talking about: when you're next. You've dreamed about it. You've longed for it.You've dreaded it. You've run from it... Your life is about to change... one way or the other. It could be your best day or your worst, but it cannot be a normal day. Destiny has not come knocking at your door. It's come mauling you like a bear."

As I was reading the words I was actually talking aloud. Yes! I know exactly what you are talking about and now I want to know when the change will be arriving and if it will be the best or worst day? Although the rest of the study was encouraging I never did get the answer. So I jumped in the shower only to realize that I had no more shampoo. So I start thinking about this... could I use my bar of soap or maybe I could try some body wash. What could I use as shampoo? I've never really thought about having shampoo as a luxury. Actually, I am one of those girls who throws away those sample pouches they send in the mail every once in a while. Not anymore! As I get out of the shower Brian and Carter are walking in the door and I get a message that a dear friend is having a tough day. The issue of how to wash the hair slipped my mind and I am now focused on my girlfriend. I call and ask if we can get together to which she agrees and we went out to lunch. Did I mention I can't afford a bottle of shampoo? I have the most wonderful conversation and as she is talking I am just thinking about how no matter what your issue we are all struggling with something. I just felt so encouraged and I hope she did too. Oh I did fail to mention that Hannah was also at lunch and very demanding of my attention so in an effort to occupy her I gave her my mobile phone. She loves to take pictures and look at them. So we are in the midst of a wonderful chat when the phone starts to ring, 'Brian calling'. So I pick up, "Hey honey what's up?" At first there was no voice on the other end. Then an unfamiliar voice says, "Do I know you?" YIKES! Something is not right What is going on? So the stranger finally states that I sent him a message. I quickly start to pour out my apologies and explain that my 4 year old was playing with the phone. I am still wondering who this person might be. The only Brian I know is my husband. I get off the phone and looked at the number and realized it was the fire chief who helped me plan Carter's birthday party at the station. Needless to say I don't think Hannah will be taking any more photos any time soon. So we all laughed and moved back to our conversation. Having lunch is the worse time for a girl talk because when do you take a bite? During our conversation we started to talk about how some people never have to go through struggles and how did we get picked for this job? Suddenly, I realize that every struggle I've been through and every dark valley I've walked though I've come out a stronger and wiser person. Next, we got talking about if you could take away a trial in your life which one would you pick? I decided I wanted to keep them all because each one has shaped the woman I am today. As difficult and puzzling as it can be to go through trials or struggles it really is a time to be joyful and celebrate all that you are gaining. You may not feel like you are gaining, but wait till you get to the other side and see the rewards. So now the most dreaded part of the day. The server brings the bill and lays it down in slow motion on the table. I reach for my purse (wearing my mask that everything is fine) trying to figure out how/where the money is going to come from. I thought maybe I could really wash some dishes. Then, to my wonderful surprise my dear friend said please let me. THANK YOU THANK YOU! I felt like shouting praises from my sticky booth seat. So I leave feeling so blessed to have such a wonderful friend that even knows when I'm wearing the mask.

Just a side story really quick: When I went to pick up Hannah from school today a few people congratulated me. I thought it was strange because really things were rather gloomy looking in life right now, but I just went with the flow. Maybe they thought I was someone else. So I get to Hannah's classroom and the teacher said congrats... I think it was a long time before the rest came out ...on having a boy. Hannah told us you found out you are having a boy and his name is baby Jesus. I started to laugh and shared that we really have no idea the sex of the baby. Hannah will not hear of this... she knows! Furthermore, I am really not sure where the baby Jesus thing came from but she has even shared this news with the clerk at the store. What should the follow up be when your child says, "Hi. My momma has baby Jesus in her belly."

So back to the day. We are now down to one car and Brian had an interview tonight so the kids needed a ride to go to AWANA. Our neighbors were wonderful and took both kids over and brought them home. Thank You.

As my night is coming to an end the blessings start coming at me from every direction. I open my email and it is overflowing with encouragement and such sweet words. Then, I find cards in Hannah's bag from tonight. I even got a card taped to my front door. All I can say is that it is a HUGE answer to prayer!! I think I can now get my bottle of shampoo. Thank you to everyone for all the amazing love and support. I keep saying I can't even express in words how much it means! I am so emotional. I have that lump in my throat, as my eyes fill with water and my heart aches with love. I am so blessed! We are so blessed as a family! Thank you. At the same time I have to admit that I have never been in this position before of accepting these wonderful gifts. The other day I had a friend bring me a box of presents from mac and cheese to dish soap to laundry soap. These gifts are all so wonderful and everyone is more generous then I ever imagined, but it is so hard to accept. I feel like I want to give back twice as much to each of you. Tonight a good friend wrote this to me and I love it! "If you were at my house and cut your finger it would be irresponsible of me not to offer you a band aid and kind of silly for you to just let your finger bled all over because you were too embarrassed to take what I was offering." Thank you for these comforting words.

Tonight I want to close with a verse I received from another amazing friend:

When you go through deep water and great trouble, i will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you WILL NOT drown! When you walk though the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. Isaiah 43:2

Thank You!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Who is the fairest of them all? Today the question is who has the best tan.

Today is a tough day! I must admit I was feeling very discouraged and somewhat anxious.

⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. -Philippians 4:6

⁷The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. -1Peter 4:7

I included the photo to the left to let you know that we are still loving life. We laugh a lot and are so grateful for our health. I can't wait to share this photo with Carter's future wife. In addition, I am also so amazed that my husband is so handy and was able to fix the running toilet.

As I was feeling myself become negative I decided it was time to dive into the Word. So after a fun morning of playing I put the kids down for a nap. As I started reading and studying I was shocked at the direction. As a result, I have decided to share the following personal information. I have really felt in my heart I wanted to show you the real me. I am a strong person and I can put a mask on to save myself from a lot of explanation, but I have realized that then no one really knows who I am and what I really need. Sometimes I feel like it was the best decision to be transparent and other days it makes me feel vulnerable, embarrassed, and insecure. We all want to be liked and accepted and for me I felt like that meant I needed to fit in with the world. However, for the past few months I have really been able to do some soul searching and I feel like I have become a better person for knowing who I am and living it. We are called to be the light of the world so that God can reveal the radiance of His glory thorough our lives. I know that I speak boldly and sometimes I am sure it is TMI (too much information), but please know that I don't mean to step on anyone's toes. I just want you to see me and what I have learned. Maybe some of the things that have inspired me will find a place in your heart.

As I was reading today my focus was on identity and how easy it is to lose it or even take one that isn't your own. I feel like so many times in my life I have be caught up in the world of fashion and image. I want to have that name brand designer shirt, purse, shoes, whatever is hot. However, I have come to realize during this time that it really does NOT matter what the label in your pants says or even the size for that matter. I will admit that I am probably more aware of other women then most men. Constantly comparing and wondering if I had a ____ like that I would do this. Today I have realized that I need to change my mindset. I am a beautiful woman and every part of me is perfect in His eyes and if it is perfect for Him then it is also for me. I know it is easy to say. So here is a devotional that is able to give me the right words:

My King
My Divine Dresser
Lord, my heart feels burdened when I look at the wardrobes of this world and how women will wear anything to get attention and feel valued. Yet I coness I'm guilty of wearing some of them myself! Please help me stop conforming to this world: I don't want to be defined by a fashion designer any longer.
Lord, convict me of the clothes in my closet that make me look like someone other than Your princess. Set me free from being a slave to the world's fashions and clothe me instead with the attributes of my Savior. Then use me to set the trends of holiness and purity.
Fro now on, may whatever I wear reflect my commitment to You. Use my identity in You to touch the hearts of people all around me. I want to represent You in fashions of Your heavenly creation rather than in the ungodly trends this world offers. I ready to be Your model of life to everyone around me. - Sheri Rose Shepherd

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul will exhult in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation,He covered me with the robe of righteousness... as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. Isaiah 61:10

Tonight was a wonderful surprise as a dear friend and neighbor brought us dinner. It was a fun dinner with Hannah wearing her bathing suit and Carter wearing his snow hat. I felt like I was in two places at once. Also, please keep Brian in your thoughts tomorrow as he goes on another interview.

business as usual

Today is business as usual Hannah has school, lots of laundry, dishes to wash, diapers to change and kids to feed. I actually was really excited at lunch today. Our cabinets are really bare, but I still try really hard to feed the kids something healthy. So we had whole wheat pasta with butter and parmesan cheese and I also wanted a vegetable or fruit. So I found a bag of frozen green beans that I would usually put in a casserole. I steamed the green beans mixed them with a little butter. I have decided that butter can make anything taste good these days. Well to my surprise the kids LOVED the green beans and wanted more. I have a smile on my face today. I just hope I have the same luck at dinner time.

So today God with the assistance of Beth Moore filled my mind with strength and drive. As I was reading my Bible along with my study the words started to jump off the page and into my life as if the book was written just for me. Have you ever been reading the Bible and you start to wonder what God’s opinion is on this story? God never interrupts He just keeps telling the story. As I was thinking about this it started to flood into my thoughts about my own life. Why had God lead Brian to the job with ABC and put the calling on his heart if the door wasn’t going to open? Or why didn't he close the door with a 'No.We filled the position'.? I just want to stomp my feet and scream like a 2 year old. Just as I was about to throw the book on the floor and become busy with the chores of life I read this sentence, “God sometimes allows our confusion to coax us into further study of the entire Word.” (Beth Moore, Esther) Many times I feel like it should be okay for me to lay down and just cry that this isn’t fair and why do I have to go through this, but really it is such an honor that the Lord would want to use my life and spend this intimate time with me. It is during the times you walk in the deep valleys that you really grow in your faith. It is funny I told a friend the other day that God is the only thing holding me up right now. He is my strength and helps me with every move. It is amazing to trust so much that you hand your entire life over to Him. Although it is important for me to remind myself that no matter how serious my pursuit of God and godliness I will never be perfect. Lately, I feel like Satan is just knocking on my door. I can hear the knocking but I don’t even want to look through the peep hole because I don’t know if I will have the strength or what if it put a crack in the relationship of the Lord that is holding me up. So I just pray that God will put a shield of protection around our family.

It is amazing to me that I can keep learning more and more about life everyday. I feel like we have been through so many intense trials recently that what could possibly be between the Lord and me? But everyday he continues to open my eyes. Thank you that we have such a patient and loving teacher.

So I wrote the above portion this afternoon and now I am stopping by to share that the Lord once again is showing me that we still aren't close enough. I went out to run an errand without the kids. Yippee. Freedom. So I drove Brian's car because it is better on gas and no car seats. So I run the errand and I am so excited I bought a container of mint chocolate chip ice cream for the kids which will be a HUGE treat. I can't wait to get home and see the look on their faces. Recently, Brian taught the kids that dessert is a very special treat and sometimes we do not have enough money to buy treats. So I throw the bag in the back seat, put the key in the ignition, and NOTHING! So I quickly reassure myself that I must of forgotten to do something. So like any girl I start with what I think might be wrong. Is the steering wheel locked, did I put the car in park, maybe I should try getting out and back in again? So nothing is working. The remote won't even lock the doors... so I make the official decision the battery is dead. I make the dreaded phone call, "Hi Honey, you are not going to believe what I am about to tell you... ah... the car won't start I think the battery is dead." Brian had the typical man response, I guess you must have left the lights on or something (truth is I have done this before.) He comforted me and told me he would get the kids ready and loaded and be out to rescue me. He arrived with a smile and a kiss. It took a while to jump the car, which I thought was strange, but Brian didn't seem to think so. Therefore, I drive the car around and drive home trying to charge the battery I guess, but I did notice that every time I used my turn signal all the lights would start to flicker and get very dim. YIKES! So I make it home safe and leave the car running. Brian went out shortly after to check the car and it had turned itself off. We finally jump the car again with a lot of extra finesse and Brian drives over to Advanced Auto Zone and they test the battery and said the battery was good. Uh oh! So they give him another jump and the car in now stuck in front of the house. We can't drive it because it won't start again. So while Brian is out taking care of the car issue I open the mail. Does anyone else hate opening the mail? As a young woman I was always running to the mailbox and couldn't wait to see if one of the letters in the box was for me. Now anything in the mailbox for me is just a bill. Yuck! I think we should all make a deal to start letter writing to each other so we can all look forward to mail again. So as I open the bills I get to the hospital bill.... $650. OUCH!! At first I thought I might cry and then I just started to laugh. A dear friend of mine always teaches me to walk through the situation... what is the worst thing that can happen and what do we do if it does. So I decide the worse case is that I get sent to collections and if that is the case then maybe I should witness to the agent that calls. Can you imagine? I think the call would sound something like this: You owe us money. I respond with I know I want to pay you but I don't have the money. Really I just need to pray, would you pray with me? Because really God has the money to pay this bill if he so desires. So we really need to start praying. It would be really awesome if they came to know the Lord through the experience. At last I would have an answer to why this is all necessary. Sorry I know I am off rambling again, but thank you for all the prayers and support. It really does mean more than I can express with words!!

the past 5 months

"God must love you a lot! He doesn't allow someone to go through the kinds of adversity you have experienced unless He has a special calling on your life."

- Lifework Leadership Study.

So over the past 5 months I have experienced more then I ever imagined. I remind myself daily that God would never give me more then I can handle. Where can I find the strength to keep going everyday?

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

Phillipians 4:13.

It was Election Day (November) once again. Brian just came off of working some insane hours and we were so happy to have some down time to relax and enjoy the holidays. Before we could even clink our glasses together Brian was informed that he lost his job. It was difficult to process at the time, but now I recognize it was a blessing in disguise. After the initial shock we started to PRAY diligently and really seek out what was to come next in our lives. At first it seemed like an easy transition into some familiar grounds for Brian. I was overwhelmed by the number of friends and acquaintances that wanted to help or knew of a job opening. I prayed for direction and prayed for direction some more. So our faithful and loving God answered my prayers just not how I expected: I found out in December that I was pregnant with our fourth child. Immediately my stress level increased and our finances were quickly evaporating, but it is the start of a new year so God is now going to open that door.

¹²Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. ¹³But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. ¹⁴If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. ¹⁵If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. ¹⁶However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. ¹⁷For it is time for judgment to begin with the family of God; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God?

1 Peter4:12-17

We kicked off January with a very happy 29^th birthday for me and Carter celebrated turning 3. Brian and I had come to realize that even though times were difficult we were more joyful now then we had been for a while. Life was good and God was faithful. At this point our health insurance coverage would end the 31^st of the month and we were searching for a solution. We were unable to get COBRA with our plan because the plan didn’t need to carry COBRA due to the size of the group and with pregnancy being a preexisting condition no one would sell us insurance. Finally, I found out we were eligible to get a conversion plan that would allow us to carry a similar plan to the one we had for a fee (a large fee with a high deductable). Great News! Now we just had to come up with the money so they would start our coverage. Moreover, while we are on the topic of money I guess I should mention I just found out that Brian’s check engine light is on and also needs new tires to pass inspection, which means we cannot drive the car until the light is off and the tires are replaced. So we had to find $650 for that problem too. We were able to pay cash for the tires thanks to a gift from my Dad and the rest was put on credit. We got Brian’s car up and running and things were starting to look better. Until Brian left a few days later for his men’s Thursday morning breakfast. On his short drive to the donut shop he put the driver’s window down in his car only to find that it would never come up again. We have no garage so we needed to find a fix fast. We took the car back to the local fix-it shop to find out that the door needed a new motor and the part will cost us $500. Just what we wanted to hear Right? So we started to pray immediately as to what we should do, we couldn’t bring the car home with an open window, could we duct tape a bag on it, was there a junk yard that had the piece for less money? Just then the phone rang. It was the mechanic calling to say that he was able to get the window stuck up and he would charge us $25. Praise God! With the car in working order Brian traveled back to Pittsburgh to attend his Executive Training course he was accepted into Janurary 2009. Shortly after Brian drove away I heard a knock at the door. I open the door to find two special agents with badges out standing on my front steps. They immediately identified themselves and demanded to speak with Brian. My heart sank to my shoes. I didn’t want to tell them he was out of town and I was home alone for a few days. I already get super nervous when I am home alone. Does anyone else check all the windows and doors and wake up to ever sound thinking it is an intruder? Suddenly the first man started to interrogate me as to Brian’s whereabouts. I finally confessed that he was away for a few days and I would be glad to give him a message. Why didn’t I think to ask what this was all about? Now my mind is filled with all sorts of ideas: what could these men want with Brian? Was my husband going to jail? I forwarded the message to Brain and he quickly reassured me that it was regarding the bonus scandal in the House of Representatives and he would not be charged as long as he cooperated. However I did detect that he seemed to be very anxious about the whole thing. The next week the agents came to the house once more to question Brian and subpoenaed him to appear in front of the grand jury.

²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

James 1:2-5

Wow we are already to February, I am really starting to feel the stress both financially and emotionally which has caused our marriage to become very stretched. For starters I am not sure how to feed our family with no money for food. On top of the food issue Brian is now home 24-7 which makes life a lot harder. Brian has the misconception, which is my fault, that our house looks like a Pottery Barn catalog all day, but really about 20 minutes before he would come home from work I would shower and clean the house super fast. Now that he is home all day I don’t feel a deadline and he can’t understand the constant chaos and mess of having kids. Brian is a wonderful husband, but he can sure push my buttons when he wants to. Moreover, I know God is faithful and he will bring us through. However as I stand here in the trenches I just don’t see how things can get any better. So I decided it was time for a little vacation from stress at home and took the kids on an overnight to visit with a girlfriend while her husband was away and Brian was traveling for an interview. Since I was in the neighborhood I decided I wanted to take the kids over and hangout with my Dad. Jen (the girlfriend I was home to visit) and I were having a hilarious conversation with my Dad about a personal trainer that both my Dad and Jen use. We were in mid laughter when my Dad very abruptly left the room for a phone call. I just figured it was something to do with work. Moments later my Dad reentered the room to inform me that he had a lot of calls to make. It all seemed a little off, but then again I don’t always understand the whole business world sometimes. Then I was trying to figure out if he was trying to be polite as to why he was stepping out or if he was really just hinting for me to take the playful grandkids outside. I quickly got the answer as I looked in my Dad’s eyes and saw a pain I’ve never seen before. He looked at me and spoke words that almost seemed foreign, “The phone call I just receive was the doctor calling to inform me that Matt (my 15 year old brother) had been diagnosed with testicular cancer.” My dad walked out of the room and went to hug and kiss my kids. Jen quickly took the kids out to the car and I was able to sit and chat a little with my Dad. I found out that my brother went in for a routine check up which was followed by an ultrasound on Monday. The day was Wednesday when my Dad got the call and Friday was the surgery. I felt shocked, upset and confused. I was still trying to just process the news as I was totally unaware that a possible problem even existed. Now that I am a parent I could feel the pain in my Dad’s eyes and his heart. You would rather it happen to you than your child. I say with confidence that God had me there for a reason that day. As much as I wanted to stay an extra few days and support my brother as he went though the surgery I decided I had to travel back. On the morning of Matt’s surgery, Brian was to testify in front of the grand jury about the bonus scandals and I knew that as his wife I wanted to be home to support him. The trial went well but things were still really rocky in our marriage. We were both so stressed in our own lives that the stresses of marriage were becoming overwhelming. It was like a little snowball that was rapidly growing and ready to devour our marriage. I felt like we would put the kids to bed at night and just yell at each other. I don’t even know what we were yelling about. Finally, Brian really stepped up and surprised me with a wonderful Valentine’s Day where we were able to reconnect and make some lasting and special memories. He had been given a book about keeping the dating part in marriage. It had all these fun questions that got us talking about all the good times and even some of the not so good, but funny times. Thank you Lord for blessing our marriage and giving us the strength and drive to be happy and committed once again. Marriage is HARD WORK even when you aren’t traveling through difficult times. February 16^th we went for an ultrasound. I had really contemplated going because we would pay for this out of pocket, but I just had a feeling that something was wrong. In fact I was diagnosed with placenta previa, which means the placenta was very low and centered over the cervix. So I was told to be on bed rest and no sex. Yikes. I just finished telling you that our marriage was starting to look better and now one more turn. The doctor told me that if bleeding started to go the hospital. If things went smoothly they would plan to do a c-section at 36 weeks. I was feeling so lost, afraid and confused. Why Lord why? I felt like we had so much on our plate that really we couldn’t handle pregnancy complications now. But as always I know that His plans are more wonderful and better then anything I could imagine so I just put my trust in the Lord. With my head back on track and my heart boldly and confidently serving the Lord I was ready once again to take on life. It was another school day for Hannah which usually means lots of things to accomplish and a very hectic day for me. I wish sometimes I could just inject a few extra hours into my mornings. I had dropped her at school and was home again with Carter and Sarah Jane just trying to get a few things accomplished before I rushed out the door again to pick her up. I was just starting to load the kids in the car on this cold rainy day when I received a phone call. It was one of those moments where to want to click ignore on the phone, but I knew I had to take this call. It was my husband and you know we always love it when they call to check in. So I picked up only to find that Brian was calling to inform me that I had been subpoenaed to testify for a homicide that I witnessed in 2005. Are you kidding me? Why in the world would these people think to call me 3 ½ years after the crime? Apparently, I was never called before because the defendant confessed to the murder. Years later he is now stating that this was a false confession and they are bringing in experts that are nationally know for identifying false confessions. Not to divulge the details at this point as this is an ongoing case, but I am now a primary witness. I will talk more about the homicide case after I deal with the other issues popping up in my life. A few days have passed and now the heat in my car is broken, which seemed simple at first, just wear warm clothes. That is what I thought until I started driving in a very cold snow storm and the windshield froze on the inside and suddenly we had no visibility. We needed to fix the problem, but the dealership told us it would be $500 to replace the part if it broke again. The money for the health insurance still had not come in and now we needed money for my car. I just wanted to scream “GIVE ME A BREAK!” So we called our local mechanic once again and asked if he could do anything to help because we truly did not have any money to fix the car. Praise the Lord! Do you know that he called back and said he was able to fix the part for $65.

⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

In like a lion March arrives. Back to the issue of the homicide. I am now going through hours of phone conversations, looking at photos, and going over and over what I saw, who I saw, and what I had said 3 ½ years ago. I thought I was over this event, but as I started to relive what happened and remembered actually walking through the crime scene with the bodies. It all came rushing back and I felt so haunted by the event once again. I did not know the victims but as I go through all the family photos to identify different things I feel like I am getting to know them. At the same time I have so many feelings of doubt about what I remember. It was so very long ago that I witnessed the crime. I have had two kids and am pregnant again. Let me remind you that life does not stop because things are difficult to deal with. Brian leaves again for his Executive Training course, which is changing his life and building him to be an even better and more Godly man. I had scheduled a doctor appointment (actually I had already rescheduled this appointment 2 times so I needed to go) at 1:00p during naptime. Poor planning on my behalf but I go because it is just the routine 5 minute appointment where they measure the belly, check the heart rate and send you on your way. I am never there more then 20 minutes. I guess I should realize that things haven’t exactly gone as planned recently in my life so neither was this doctor visit. We arrive 5 minutes early and were taken back to the exam room within 15 minutes where we then waited 2 HOURS for someone to walk in. At first I figured something must have happened. As the minutes start to pass and no one entered the room I became glued to the clock on my mobile phone, which was also keeping the kids occupied for a short time. I knew the doctor/nurses could not forget about us because all three kids were very vocal. Hannah and Carter were just silly because they were all stuck in a small room with blank walls and no toys. Sarah Jane on the other hand was just screaming and wiggling because all she wanted was her crib. So I tried to pass the time with a positive attitude as we sang songs, played Simon Says, and told silly stories. On the other hand, in the privacy of my text messages I was venting my frustrations to Brian who was very supportive and encouraging. Thank God for my awesome husband! Therefore, every time I felt that anger built inside and the urge to storm out and scream ‘I don’t have time for this, do you have any idea what I am going through in life?’ I quickly reminded myself that this would be a lasting reflection of who I am. So I made the decision that I was going to glorify the Lord. When the doctor walked into the room I smiled and told her that we were just having a fun little party and were glad she came to join us. Can you believe she never even said sorry for the delay? NOTHING! Due to the amount of time that I was at the doctor and the fact that my children were crashing I was unable to run the errands I had planned to run after the appointment. Arriving home the kids started to whine, which makes every bone in my body crazy, that they wanted a snack. Does anyone else like to put a limit on how many snacks are allowed in one day? One of the errands I was planning to run was buying some food. So I looked in my bare cabinets to find a box of cheerios and poured each child a bowl. “Momma, we always eat cheerios. I want something different. We have been eating these for breakfast and snacks for weeks.” Hannah protests. I felt like I just wanted to scream back with tears in my eyes, “Momma doesn’t have money for variety in your life right now!” Praise God that I kept my composer and sent them off with the snacks while I lay Sarah Jane in her bed. One down and two to go I thought as I came down the stairs. Just as I hit the bottom step the phone began to ring and it was the one of the men from the trial wanting to ask a few more questions. Again the horrific thoughts rush to the forefront in my mind. Hannah walks into the kitchen and notices the Tostitos chips on top of the refrigerator. In an effort to keep her quiet and content while I am on this nerve racking phone call I grab the bag. Suddenly in slow motion I realize someone opened the top and bottom of the bag and my kitchen was immediately showered with slightly stale Tostitos chips. “Please Hold” I said very abruptly to the man on the phone as I threw my weeping self to the kitchen floor and began begging for the Lord to have MERCY on my life. I felt like I couldn’t even breathe without assistance at this moment. Needless to say I got the strength to finish my phone call and take care of my sweet kiddos. Hours later the Lord showed me his mercy as a friend from Pittsburgh ordered and had a pizza dinner sent to my house and another close friend delivered bags of snacks for the kids and some flowers for me. Not to mention the fellowship that came that night. Thank you. So we are still jobless and searching for direction amongst all the other chaos. We are really coming into some hard times. Buying groceries is now a luxury. However, the good news is that Brian has had many interviews, which is such a blessing when our economy is plummeting. Recently, Brian made it to the final stages with a company called ABC and we are finally going to have some direction. They told us that we would know by Friday. Well it is Friday night and we have heard nothing. What does this mean? Were they going to reach a decision by Friday and call Monday or did Brian not get the job? I am starting to recognize that we need to start making some really drastic decisions because if we don’t have a job by April 1^st we can no longer pay rent. I am just singing praises that we don’t own our house. So I decide to sit down and talk to Brian. The kids are playing in the playroom and we were able to really put it all out on the table. I am such a strong person that I rarely ever show when I am feeling weak, but tonight I had to let out the emotions and the frustration that I had bottled up for weeks. As we are involved in this emotional conversation Carter walks in the room with a streak of poop across the belly of his shirt. WHAT? I guess at this point I should mention that Carter has been potty trained for a while now, but in the last week or two he has reverted back to pooping in his pants and then taking it out with his hands. Can I just say BIG POOPY MESS? I know an easy solution is to put pull-ups on him, but they are just not in the budget right now. Thankfully everything he has encountered is washable. Again, I am having one of those Lord have Mercy on me moments. I have been having these moments frequently in my life recently.

⁶Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7

At this moment in life I am just totally overwhelmed. Looking back over this week it has been amazing in terms of my growth. I am doing the Beth Moore study on Esther and it is life changing and just AMAZING! The disappointing news that Brian never heard about the job this Friday is still a looming thought that has left me feeling very confused. We are not able to meet all the bills or even buy food right now, which is very overwhelming. We are really just living on the little savings we have left and credit. I am also dealing with all the pains I am having with this pregnancy which is a constant reminder of another struggle in my life. We are just praying for God to give direction. Some of our good friends in Pittsburgh have offered for us to move in with them and pay for our move, but I just don't know if that is what God is calling us to do. I wonder why He would want us to wander without purpose. I know that I need to be patient and I believe that Brian and I are so patient, strong and faithful, BUT what does He want us to do. So anyway I feel like the little things are building on me too... like I need to order supplies for MOPS but I'm really not sure how to pay for it until I get reimbursed, because of the extra poop I am washing so many extra things, the handle on the toilet is broken and constantly running if we aren’t careful (I am sure our water bill will look great this month), the kid next door plays his music so loud I can hear it in my pillow at night. Anyway this is just a little of what is in my head at the moment. On top of this I am trying to lift up, encourage and support Brian and keep our marriage alive through this time. I also feel like Satan has such the opportunity to grab a hold of my thoughts as I am walking in this low valley in life. I have dreams that can haunt me through the day. “[The Armor of God] Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.” - Ephesians 6:10-11 I have done all the screaming I can. Now I am just on my knees begging for mercy and a little direction.

⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed 1Peter 1:6-7

Sorry for this rambling. I really don't even know what to say or who to say it to. Anyway please just pray and pray for us. I know we have an AWESOME and FAITHFUL GOD that will carry us through this and how awesome that I get to have this intimate time with the Lord.

If anybody has been through a deep valley and rested on the promises of God,
they've likely been to Romans 8:28: _"And we know that for those who love
God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to
his purpose."_ That verse is so powerful you could comfort a Christian just
by saying the reference. Going _through a hard time?_ - Romans 8:28 - and
they'd know what you mean.
Why is this passage so powerful? It begins with confidence, "And we know."
We don't merely _think_, we don't _wonder_, we _know_.
The word know communicates experiential knowledge - the kind that comes
from life. You didn't go to church or to college to have this explained to
you. You didn't Google the answer. You know only because you've been through
it. Over time you've come to know something that only those who love God can
know.

- James MacDonald

Welcome Lily Kay

Lily Kay is such a beautiful girl!

I had a wonderful time visiting with Mike and Jen today. I am so excited for you and your family. I can't wait to do a Big Sister/Little Sister lunch.

Handy Manny

For Carter's birthday Grandma bought him the Handy Manny 2 in 1 Truck. Carter really loves it but was really distressed the he didn't have Handy Manny. So last night he bought Handy Manny with his left over birthday money. I just hope Manny doesn't start talking while Carter is asleep.... because let me tell you Manny is LOUD!!

Baby Love

Sarah Jane, much like her sister, loves to carry her Bitty Baby everywhere she goes.

Slumber Party

We had so much fun at the Colletti house. Carter was in his element racing cars and getting muddy at the park. We had such a fun time and I loved our late night chat. Maybe we should plan more slumber parties when the guys are traveling the kids had a blast and slept so well!!

Carter even got to celebrate his Birthday!!

Aubrey Elizabeth

We were so excited to meet little Aubrey Elizabeth she is such a sweet baby girl!! Thanks for sharing her with the kids. They all loved holding her.

Happy Birthday Carter

Happy 3rd Birthday to our sweet little boy! Carter had a blast at the Fire Department with all his buddies. We took a full tour. We even got to see where the firemen sleep. The kids did some fire safety and then we went to Carter's house for some more fire fighting fun!

Carter and his Friends

Blowing out the candles. I felt like after our fire safety class that maybe I should have found a flame less candle. Carter told me I shouldn't play with the matches. Whoops!

Cupcakes

I am now Aunt Nancy

Little Aubrey Elizabeth joined us at 4:18pm on Jan. 22nd weighing 6 pounds and 7 ounces. We love you sweet girl!!

Brian was so excited to meet her today!
(Brian, David, Aubrey, Autumn, Mom)