the past 5 months

"God must love you a lot! He doesn't allow someone to go through the kinds of adversity you have experienced unless He has a special calling on your life."

- Lifework Leadership Study.

So over the past 5 months I have experienced more then I ever imagined. I remind myself daily that God would never give me more then I can handle. Where can I find the strength to keep going everyday?

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

Phillipians 4:13.

It was Election Day (November) once again. Brian just came off of working some insane hours and we were so happy to have some down time to relax and enjoy the holidays. Before we could even clink our glasses together Brian was informed that he lost his job. It was difficult to process at the time, but now I recognize it was a blessing in disguise. After the initial shock we started to PRAY diligently and really seek out what was to come next in our lives. At first it seemed like an easy transition into some familiar grounds for Brian. I was overwhelmed by the number of friends and acquaintances that wanted to help or knew of a job opening. I prayed for direction and prayed for direction some more. So our faithful and loving God answered my prayers just not how I expected: I found out in December that I was pregnant with our fourth child. Immediately my stress level increased and our finances were quickly evaporating, but it is the start of a new year so God is now going to open that door.

¹²Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. ¹³But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. ¹⁴If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. ¹⁵If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. ¹⁶However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. ¹⁷For it is time for judgment to begin with the family of God; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God?

1 Peter4:12-17

We kicked off January with a very happy 29^th birthday for me and Carter celebrated turning 3. Brian and I had come to realize that even though times were difficult we were more joyful now then we had been for a while. Life was good and God was faithful. At this point our health insurance coverage would end the 31^st of the month and we were searching for a solution. We were unable to get COBRA with our plan because the plan didn’t need to carry COBRA due to the size of the group and with pregnancy being a preexisting condition no one would sell us insurance. Finally, I found out we were eligible to get a conversion plan that would allow us to carry a similar plan to the one we had for a fee (a large fee with a high deductable). Great News! Now we just had to come up with the money so they would start our coverage. Moreover, while we are on the topic of money I guess I should mention I just found out that Brian’s check engine light is on and also needs new tires to pass inspection, which means we cannot drive the car until the light is off and the tires are replaced. So we had to find $650 for that problem too. We were able to pay cash for the tires thanks to a gift from my Dad and the rest was put on credit. We got Brian’s car up and running and things were starting to look better. Until Brian left a few days later for his men’s Thursday morning breakfast. On his short drive to the donut shop he put the driver’s window down in his car only to find that it would never come up again. We have no garage so we needed to find a fix fast. We took the car back to the local fix-it shop to find out that the door needed a new motor and the part will cost us $500. Just what we wanted to hear Right? So we started to pray immediately as to what we should do, we couldn’t bring the car home with an open window, could we duct tape a bag on it, was there a junk yard that had the piece for less money? Just then the phone rang. It was the mechanic calling to say that he was able to get the window stuck up and he would charge us $25. Praise God! With the car in working order Brian traveled back to Pittsburgh to attend his Executive Training course he was accepted into Janurary 2009. Shortly after Brian drove away I heard a knock at the door. I open the door to find two special agents with badges out standing on my front steps. They immediately identified themselves and demanded to speak with Brian. My heart sank to my shoes. I didn’t want to tell them he was out of town and I was home alone for a few days. I already get super nervous when I am home alone. Does anyone else check all the windows and doors and wake up to ever sound thinking it is an intruder? Suddenly the first man started to interrogate me as to Brian’s whereabouts. I finally confessed that he was away for a few days and I would be glad to give him a message. Why didn’t I think to ask what this was all about? Now my mind is filled with all sorts of ideas: what could these men want with Brian? Was my husband going to jail? I forwarded the message to Brain and he quickly reassured me that it was regarding the bonus scandal in the House of Representatives and he would not be charged as long as he cooperated. However I did detect that he seemed to be very anxious about the whole thing. The next week the agents came to the house once more to question Brian and subpoenaed him to appear in front of the grand jury.

²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

James 1:2-5

Wow we are already to February, I am really starting to feel the stress both financially and emotionally which has caused our marriage to become very stretched. For starters I am not sure how to feed our family with no money for food. On top of the food issue Brian is now home 24-7 which makes life a lot harder. Brian has the misconception, which is my fault, that our house looks like a Pottery Barn catalog all day, but really about 20 minutes before he would come home from work I would shower and clean the house super fast. Now that he is home all day I don’t feel a deadline and he can’t understand the constant chaos and mess of having kids. Brian is a wonderful husband, but he can sure push my buttons when he wants to. Moreover, I know God is faithful and he will bring us through. However as I stand here in the trenches I just don’t see how things can get any better. So I decided it was time for a little vacation from stress at home and took the kids on an overnight to visit with a girlfriend while her husband was away and Brian was traveling for an interview. Since I was in the neighborhood I decided I wanted to take the kids over and hangout with my Dad. Jen (the girlfriend I was home to visit) and I were having a hilarious conversation with my Dad about a personal trainer that both my Dad and Jen use. We were in mid laughter when my Dad very abruptly left the room for a phone call. I just figured it was something to do with work. Moments later my Dad reentered the room to inform me that he had a lot of calls to make. It all seemed a little off, but then again I don’t always understand the whole business world sometimes. Then I was trying to figure out if he was trying to be polite as to why he was stepping out or if he was really just hinting for me to take the playful grandkids outside. I quickly got the answer as I looked in my Dad’s eyes and saw a pain I’ve never seen before. He looked at me and spoke words that almost seemed foreign, “The phone call I just receive was the doctor calling to inform me that Matt (my 15 year old brother) had been diagnosed with testicular cancer.” My dad walked out of the room and went to hug and kiss my kids. Jen quickly took the kids out to the car and I was able to sit and chat a little with my Dad. I found out that my brother went in for a routine check up which was followed by an ultrasound on Monday. The day was Wednesday when my Dad got the call and Friday was the surgery. I felt shocked, upset and confused. I was still trying to just process the news as I was totally unaware that a possible problem even existed. Now that I am a parent I could feel the pain in my Dad’s eyes and his heart. You would rather it happen to you than your child. I say with confidence that God had me there for a reason that day. As much as I wanted to stay an extra few days and support my brother as he went though the surgery I decided I had to travel back. On the morning of Matt’s surgery, Brian was to testify in front of the grand jury about the bonus scandals and I knew that as his wife I wanted to be home to support him. The trial went well but things were still really rocky in our marriage. We were both so stressed in our own lives that the stresses of marriage were becoming overwhelming. It was like a little snowball that was rapidly growing and ready to devour our marriage. I felt like we would put the kids to bed at night and just yell at each other. I don’t even know what we were yelling about. Finally, Brian really stepped up and surprised me with a wonderful Valentine’s Day where we were able to reconnect and make some lasting and special memories. He had been given a book about keeping the dating part in marriage. It had all these fun questions that got us talking about all the good times and even some of the not so good, but funny times. Thank you Lord for blessing our marriage and giving us the strength and drive to be happy and committed once again. Marriage is HARD WORK even when you aren’t traveling through difficult times. February 16^th we went for an ultrasound. I had really contemplated going because we would pay for this out of pocket, but I just had a feeling that something was wrong. In fact I was diagnosed with placenta previa, which means the placenta was very low and centered over the cervix. So I was told to be on bed rest and no sex. Yikes. I just finished telling you that our marriage was starting to look better and now one more turn. The doctor told me that if bleeding started to go the hospital. If things went smoothly they would plan to do a c-section at 36 weeks. I was feeling so lost, afraid and confused. Why Lord why? I felt like we had so much on our plate that really we couldn’t handle pregnancy complications now. But as always I know that His plans are more wonderful and better then anything I could imagine so I just put my trust in the Lord. With my head back on track and my heart boldly and confidently serving the Lord I was ready once again to take on life. It was another school day for Hannah which usually means lots of things to accomplish and a very hectic day for me. I wish sometimes I could just inject a few extra hours into my mornings. I had dropped her at school and was home again with Carter and Sarah Jane just trying to get a few things accomplished before I rushed out the door again to pick her up. I was just starting to load the kids in the car on this cold rainy day when I received a phone call. It was one of those moments where to want to click ignore on the phone, but I knew I had to take this call. It was my husband and you know we always love it when they call to check in. So I picked up only to find that Brian was calling to inform me that I had been subpoenaed to testify for a homicide that I witnessed in 2005. Are you kidding me? Why in the world would these people think to call me 3 ½ years after the crime? Apparently, I was never called before because the defendant confessed to the murder. Years later he is now stating that this was a false confession and they are bringing in experts that are nationally know for identifying false confessions. Not to divulge the details at this point as this is an ongoing case, but I am now a primary witness. I will talk more about the homicide case after I deal with the other issues popping up in my life. A few days have passed and now the heat in my car is broken, which seemed simple at first, just wear warm clothes. That is what I thought until I started driving in a very cold snow storm and the windshield froze on the inside and suddenly we had no visibility. We needed to fix the problem, but the dealership told us it would be $500 to replace the part if it broke again. The money for the health insurance still had not come in and now we needed money for my car. I just wanted to scream “GIVE ME A BREAK!” So we called our local mechanic once again and asked if he could do anything to help because we truly did not have any money to fix the car. Praise the Lord! Do you know that he called back and said he was able to fix the part for $65.

⁴Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

In like a lion March arrives. Back to the issue of the homicide. I am now going through hours of phone conversations, looking at photos, and going over and over what I saw, who I saw, and what I had said 3 ½ years ago. I thought I was over this event, but as I started to relive what happened and remembered actually walking through the crime scene with the bodies. It all came rushing back and I felt so haunted by the event once again. I did not know the victims but as I go through all the family photos to identify different things I feel like I am getting to know them. At the same time I have so many feelings of doubt about what I remember. It was so very long ago that I witnessed the crime. I have had two kids and am pregnant again. Let me remind you that life does not stop because things are difficult to deal with. Brian leaves again for his Executive Training course, which is changing his life and building him to be an even better and more Godly man. I had scheduled a doctor appointment (actually I had already rescheduled this appointment 2 times so I needed to go) at 1:00p during naptime. Poor planning on my behalf but I go because it is just the routine 5 minute appointment where they measure the belly, check the heart rate and send you on your way. I am never there more then 20 minutes. I guess I should realize that things haven’t exactly gone as planned recently in my life so neither was this doctor visit. We arrive 5 minutes early and were taken back to the exam room within 15 minutes where we then waited 2 HOURS for someone to walk in. At first I figured something must have happened. As the minutes start to pass and no one entered the room I became glued to the clock on my mobile phone, which was also keeping the kids occupied for a short time. I knew the doctor/nurses could not forget about us because all three kids were very vocal. Hannah and Carter were just silly because they were all stuck in a small room with blank walls and no toys. Sarah Jane on the other hand was just screaming and wiggling because all she wanted was her crib. So I tried to pass the time with a positive attitude as we sang songs, played Simon Says, and told silly stories. On the other hand, in the privacy of my text messages I was venting my frustrations to Brian who was very supportive and encouraging. Thank God for my awesome husband! Therefore, every time I felt that anger built inside and the urge to storm out and scream ‘I don’t have time for this, do you have any idea what I am going through in life?’ I quickly reminded myself that this would be a lasting reflection of who I am. So I made the decision that I was going to glorify the Lord. When the doctor walked into the room I smiled and told her that we were just having a fun little party and were glad she came to join us. Can you believe she never even said sorry for the delay? NOTHING! Due to the amount of time that I was at the doctor and the fact that my children were crashing I was unable to run the errands I had planned to run after the appointment. Arriving home the kids started to whine, which makes every bone in my body crazy, that they wanted a snack. Does anyone else like to put a limit on how many snacks are allowed in one day? One of the errands I was planning to run was buying some food. So I looked in my bare cabinets to find a box of cheerios and poured each child a bowl. “Momma, we always eat cheerios. I want something different. We have been eating these for breakfast and snacks for weeks.” Hannah protests. I felt like I just wanted to scream back with tears in my eyes, “Momma doesn’t have money for variety in your life right now!” Praise God that I kept my composer and sent them off with the snacks while I lay Sarah Jane in her bed. One down and two to go I thought as I came down the stairs. Just as I hit the bottom step the phone began to ring and it was the one of the men from the trial wanting to ask a few more questions. Again the horrific thoughts rush to the forefront in my mind. Hannah walks into the kitchen and notices the Tostitos chips on top of the refrigerator. In an effort to keep her quiet and content while I am on this nerve racking phone call I grab the bag. Suddenly in slow motion I realize someone opened the top and bottom of the bag and my kitchen was immediately showered with slightly stale Tostitos chips. “Please Hold” I said very abruptly to the man on the phone as I threw my weeping self to the kitchen floor and began begging for the Lord to have MERCY on my life. I felt like I couldn’t even breathe without assistance at this moment. Needless to say I got the strength to finish my phone call and take care of my sweet kiddos. Hours later the Lord showed me his mercy as a friend from Pittsburgh ordered and had a pizza dinner sent to my house and another close friend delivered bags of snacks for the kids and some flowers for me. Not to mention the fellowship that came that night. Thank you. So we are still jobless and searching for direction amongst all the other chaos. We are really coming into some hard times. Buying groceries is now a luxury. However, the good news is that Brian has had many interviews, which is such a blessing when our economy is plummeting. Recently, Brian made it to the final stages with a company called ABC and we are finally going to have some direction. They told us that we would know by Friday. Well it is Friday night and we have heard nothing. What does this mean? Were they going to reach a decision by Friday and call Monday or did Brian not get the job? I am starting to recognize that we need to start making some really drastic decisions because if we don’t have a job by April 1^st we can no longer pay rent. I am just singing praises that we don’t own our house. So I decide to sit down and talk to Brian. The kids are playing in the playroom and we were able to really put it all out on the table. I am such a strong person that I rarely ever show when I am feeling weak, but tonight I had to let out the emotions and the frustration that I had bottled up for weeks. As we are involved in this emotional conversation Carter walks in the room with a streak of poop across the belly of his shirt. WHAT? I guess at this point I should mention that Carter has been potty trained for a while now, but in the last week or two he has reverted back to pooping in his pants and then taking it out with his hands. Can I just say BIG POOPY MESS? I know an easy solution is to put pull-ups on him, but they are just not in the budget right now. Thankfully everything he has encountered is washable. Again, I am having one of those Lord have Mercy on me moments. I have been having these moments frequently in my life recently.

⁶Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7

At this moment in life I am just totally overwhelmed. Looking back over this week it has been amazing in terms of my growth. I am doing the Beth Moore study on Esther and it is life changing and just AMAZING! The disappointing news that Brian never heard about the job this Friday is still a looming thought that has left me feeling very confused. We are not able to meet all the bills or even buy food right now, which is very overwhelming. We are really just living on the little savings we have left and credit. I am also dealing with all the pains I am having with this pregnancy which is a constant reminder of another struggle in my life. We are just praying for God to give direction. Some of our good friends in Pittsburgh have offered for us to move in with them and pay for our move, but I just don't know if that is what God is calling us to do. I wonder why He would want us to wander without purpose. I know that I need to be patient and I believe that Brian and I are so patient, strong and faithful, BUT what does He want us to do. So anyway I feel like the little things are building on me too... like I need to order supplies for MOPS but I'm really not sure how to pay for it until I get reimbursed, because of the extra poop I am washing so many extra things, the handle on the toilet is broken and constantly running if we aren’t careful (I am sure our water bill will look great this month), the kid next door plays his music so loud I can hear it in my pillow at night. Anyway this is just a little of what is in my head at the moment. On top of this I am trying to lift up, encourage and support Brian and keep our marriage alive through this time. I also feel like Satan has such the opportunity to grab a hold of my thoughts as I am walking in this low valley in life. I have dreams that can haunt me through the day. “[The Armor of God] Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.” - Ephesians 6:10-11 I have done all the screaming I can. Now I am just on my knees begging for mercy and a little direction.

⁶In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed 1Peter 1:6-7

Sorry for this rambling. I really don't even know what to say or who to say it to. Anyway please just pray and pray for us. I know we have an AWESOME and FAITHFUL GOD that will carry us through this and how awesome that I get to have this intimate time with the Lord.

If anybody has been through a deep valley and rested on the promises of God,
they've likely been to Romans 8:28: _"And we know that for those who love
God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to
his purpose."_ That verse is so powerful you could comfort a Christian just
by saying the reference. Going _through a hard time?_ - Romans 8:28 - and
they'd know what you mean.
Why is this passage so powerful? It begins with confidence, "And we know."
We don't merely _think_, we don't _wonder_, we _know_.
The word know communicates experiential knowledge - the kind that comes
from life. You didn't go to church or to college to have this explained to
you. You didn't Google the answer. You know only because you've been through
it. Over time you've come to know something that only those who love God can
know.

- James MacDonald