Silence Before the Storm

Sorry for the long silence. My life has been moving along. I am now on antibiotics for an ear and sinus infection. YUCK! People are looking at our house and want to move in the beginning of June. Brian is still going through interviews. Hannah is loving school. Carter has become a true little boy... loud and dirty all the time. Sarah Jane just took a fall and split open her lip and scraped her nose.

Anyway here goes another post:
Have you ever had to wait? Of course you have... it could be a streetlight, the line at Starbucks, an oil change, a haircut, a fast food restaurant, a baby, a wedding, your calling in life ; I know you can fill in the blank. Is there anything more draining then waiting? As I opened my devotions this week I was struck by the thought of what I am waiting for... am I waiting on the event or the Lord? I started to ponder this thought over my morning tea. I pulled out my journal with its worn binding and tattered pages. It is amazing how clear the Lord's direction is when you look backwards. Needless to say I am waiting on the Lord.

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

You would think that I have it all figured out by this point, but really I feel more lost and confused then yesterday . I feel like I go through everyday just wandering. I continue to grow and be convicted daily, but the power and voice of the Lord seem to be silent. It is like someone has pushed the mute button. Have you ever watched the TV with no sound? It can be interesting to watch the people and try to figure out what is going on by the actions and facial expressions. It is fun, but can also be very confusing. That is where I am sitting... on my knees totally confused with what the Lord is saying or doing. What am I supposed to do right now? If you know the answer. Please leave a comment. Do you think that God has a Google account? Actually this week I totally hit rock bottom. It is such a difficult time in my life, but at the same time it is the most difficult and trying time for Brian. So when you put two people together that feel like they have lost all sense of security, direction, and purpose.... well you can imagine. So we have really started to struggle with each other. A lot of finger pointing at our house. Anyway I was feeling like I was working double time and really trying to make our house what Brian wanted. I felt so proud of myself for getting so much done and then Brian says the words that just knock me to the floor, " maybe if you weren't so lazy..." I felt so empty, hurt and weak that I just locked myself in the bathroom fell to the floor, put my face in my hands and began to weep and cry out, "Lord, I do not have the strength. I can't do this. I can't go on one more day." I felt like I didn't even have the strength to pick up my crying baby who had bumped her head on the door knob. As a mom you never get to say "TIME OUT"! Actually I use this phrase a lot but for other reasons. I just wanted to freeze a moment of silence where I could just cry, scream and kick my feet. However mommy duty calls. So I wipe the tears and snot from my face and pick up the pieces. Shortly after Brian called to apologize. He too dislikes the times we are at odds with one another. No one likes to say hurtful words and cause pain to those they love. We both just want peace and direction, but we both can convince ourselves that it must be the other that is holding us back or causing the problem. Moreover, we had a great conversation and were able to really set some guidelines for our house. Looking back I just want to laugh that it has taken us 8 months to figure out how to co-exist in the house together 24/7. It is amazing that after 5 years of marriage we are still learning how to live together.

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! Isaiah 30:18

So I am back to waiting. I feel like we are coming to the end and our direction might be around the next corner, but you never know. As the title states I feel like my life is on silent but as soon as the Lord gives direction I feel like it is going to speed up rather quickly like a storm. I still can't believe we are going to be meeting our new little baby soon. Time flys!!

For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger,WAIT FOR IT it will certainly come and will not delay. Habakkuk 2:3



I will leave you with another funny story from Hannah:

As I was sitting here typing she walked in and asked where daddy was. I told her he went to the car doctor because the blue car needed a check up and an oil change. She smiled and said, "Momma maybe if they paint the car red and put red wheels on it will be as fast as Lighting McQueen." If only life were really this simple.