Control Freak?

Do you ever feel like you are trying to guess what the Lord is working in your life? This has been a very difficult weekend for me. On Friday I woke up with a horrible migraine, but I went forward with my morning and had a great time at MOPS. When I got home I started to listen to the Beth Moore Audio for the Esther study. During the lesson she was telling a story about a woman that lost 2 of her children and she shared how the woman just cried out "why Lord, why? This is too much. too much. too much." I couldn't help but start crying myself and feeling the same way about my life right now. I have so much to be grateful for: 3 healthy kids, an amazing husband, rent this month, grocery money (thanks to everyone who helped out on this one), the greatest friends and the list goes on. But at the same moment, I am saying "this is TOO MUCH Lord!" Without the Lord holding me up and giving me every last breath I feel like I will fall to the ground. I have to add that I just love Beth Moore as I can go from sobbing to laughing my head off. Later in the session Beth quoted another woman saying" It is tough being a woman because of the hormones. You yell at those you love and cry for a stranger in a commercial." Moreover, after finishing a few hours with Beth Moore I tried the whole getting down on my knees thing again. I must admit that it was just as emotional as the first time. tears. snot. and all the beauty that goes along with pouring your guts out. It is at that moment that you feel the snot pouring over your lips that you think, please don't let anyone see me or ring the door bell. As I lay with my head over my lap I cried out for the Lord to answer my prayers and give us direction by the end of the day... nothing like giving God a deadline. I did also pray that if it wasn't his will I would settle for comfort and strength instead. Is anyone else laughing... I have decided that I will come up with my own negotiations with the Lord. I have to admit that I'm desperate for the Lord to give me that clear direction. I also continue to pray that He will make clear if I should move forward with my ultra sound on Monday.

So now it is Saturday night and I have received so many notes asking what is going on... any news? I feel like I don't even have the strength to reply. I just want to say No it was another day of rejection and mystery. So no at the end of the day I no clear direction for our future, BUT because of all the unknown direction I feel the Lord saying, "Nancy, put your trust in Me and I will provide for the ultra sound. Stop trying to make your own plans." Has anyone noticed that I'm a control freak yet? I like my shirts to be folded just so, I want the dishes in the dish washer to go in size order, and I like to plan ahead. Although I don't think I did much planning when it came to family size. Whoops. Missed that one. I have handed over my life and I have that comfort and strength, but it is really easy for Satan to sneak in and grab hold as I'm going through the bills. I sit here and think... there is NO WAY to pay all the bills... we are going to be evicted and bankrupt by the end of the month. STOP! That is Satan trying to crack into the thoughts in my head once again. Some how God has provide every month and I am still at awe wondering how this all worked out this far?!

So I am totally exhausted as I sit here my eyes are starting to close and my head is starting the nod. So I am sad to say I need to go to bed, but I just had to write and let you know that I am still here and kicking... just NO STINKING NEWS! Maybe tomorrow!

Colossians 1:10-12

¹⁰And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, ¹¹being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully ¹²giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.